Finally, a manifesto that reads like it was written by adults.
Britain, 2025. A nation so wealthy it can launch billionaires into space but cannot get a dentist appointment on Earth. Nurses queue at food banks while ministers queue for donor dinners. Schools are crumbling, but at least the ideology holding them up is reinforced concrete.
The Greens look around at this slow-motion car crash and say, quite reasonably, “Maybe we could stop hitting the accelerator.” It is a radical thought in Westminster, where “long-term planning” means booking the next party conference buffet.
They talk about security, fairness, and roofs that do not leak, apparently these are now extreme left concepts. Labour nods politely while calculating how to means-test oxygen. The Tories insist everything is fine because Jacob Rees-Mogg’s top hat has not blown off yet.
Meanwhile, scientists warn about 2.5°C of global roasting and the government replies with a press release about “sunshine opportunities”. If the planet melts, at least there will be a commemorative coin.
The Greens promise “brave, principled choices”. Lovely. Most MPs would not make a brave, principled choice if it came with a ministerial pension and a free car.
Vote Green, because it is 2025 and common sense still counts as an opposition movement.
THE BIT EVERYONE ELSE SKIPS
(Where the Greens explain the UK like it is a group project no one else did the reading for)
Most parties treat devolution like a bad Wi-Fi signal, ignore it until it disconnects. The Greens, bless them, actually acknowledge Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland as real places with functioning democracies. Bold move in Westminster, where “listening” usually means waiting for your turn to talk.
This section calmly points out that when the Greens say “country”, they do not mean England with subtitles. They mean the whole UK, all nations, all voices, no colonial undertones. They even have the audacity to respect devolved governments, instead of treating them like regional franchises of Brand Britain. Wales gets its own manifesto. Scotland gets its own policies. Northern Ireland exists outside Westminster’s group chat.
Labour’s version of devolution is a polite email to Cardiff once a decade. The Conservatives’ idea of Scottish engagement is shouting “Union” until the North Sea blushes.
The Greens make it sound simple, respect local democracy, publish clear plans, do not act like Westminster owns the map. It is refreshing, which is exactly why it will confuse every political journalist in London. This is not bureaucracy, it is basic geography, something the other parties apparently outsource to nostalgia.
Democracy works better when you stop pretending it is all one postcode.
FAIRER, GREENER HOMES, BECAUSE CARDBOARD BOXES ARE NOT A HOUSING STRATEGY
(Finally, a charter that builds houses instead of hedge funds.)
Britain has mastered the art of building everything except homes. Luxury flats sprout like weeds for people who never move in, while nurses live three postcodes from their shift. Ministers insist it is fine because technically “the market” owns a ladder somewhere.
The Greens start from the revolutionary premise that everyone deserves a warm, secure roof that does not double as a rainwater collection system. They call it “Right Homes, Right Place, Right Price”, already more coherent than anything in the Treasury since 2010.
Their charter actually combines ideas, affordable housing, green energy, proper insulation, and not paving over every wildflower in Britain. Westminster calls that “too ambitious”, politician-speak for “we did not think of it first”.
Other parties promise “affordable homes”, then let developers redefine “affordable” to mean “you can technically afford it if you sell a kidney and time-travel to 1992”. The Greens would rather keep your organs and heat your house with solar power instead of regret.
Remember earlier, when the Greens treated devolution like a functioning concept. Same logic here. They actually trust local councils to build communities, not just campaign leaflets. Imagine that.
This “Fairer, Greener Homes Guarantee” tackles the national insulation crisis, £29 billion over five years for warm, efficient homes. Labour will call it “aspirational”. The Tories will call it “unaffordable”. Landlords will call their MPs immediately.
It is all led locally, street by street, retrofitting Britain for a hotter climate and colder politics. The Greens call it investment. Everyone else calls it “interfering with the sacred right to freeze”.
Passivhaus by name, passive House of Commons by nature.
Fairer, Greener Homes, because balance was privatised in 1997 and logic still has not returned from its gap year.
REAL HOPE. REAL CHANGE
(And apparently, actual houses. A first for British politics.)
Imagine a government that treats a roof over your head as a right, not a luxury accessory. While Westminster debates whether heating is woke, the Greens are over here building homes and fitting them with heat pumps that do not run on broken promises.
They pledge £9 billion for low-carbon heating. Every house gets cleaner heat, fewer emissions, and no fossil-fuel PR campaign disguised as an energy plan. Then comes the big one, 150,000 new social homes every year, built and refurbished properly, kept in local hands, protected from the Right to Buy vortex that has been eating public housing since Thatcher’s mixtape dropped.
They will give local councils a community right to buy, because the Greens think communities should own homes, not hedge funds. The other parties hear “community right to buy” and assume it is a new donor perk.
Rent controls, stable tenancies, a ban on no-fault evictions. Common sense, which in Britain now counts as radicalism.
Tenants can demand energy-efficient upgrades, radical, apparently, in a country where logic took a gap year and never came back.
The Greens are fixing the housing crisis. Everyone else is still arguing over who gets to cut the ribbon on the next one.
Fairer, Greener Homes, because the adults have re-entered the chat, and they have brought insulation.
STROUD, THE PLACE WHERE HOUSING POLICY GOT TIRED OF WAITING FOR WESTMINSTER
(Proof that when the adults re-enter the chat, they bring blueprints.)
While national politicians hold press conferences about “levelling up”, Stroud’s Greens quietly level houses that actually exist. Progress does not need a slogan. It needs planning permission and the will to use it.
For a decade, the Green-led council in Stroud has done the unthinkable, built homes. Not ghost towers for overseas investors, real, high-quality social housing for people who live there. Nearly 300 council homes since 2014, to proper environmental standards, not the usual “paint it green and hope no one checks the gas bill”. They plan another hundred plus over five years by redeveloping older sites, forcing real affordability, and investing millions to make existing stock warm and efficient.
Of course, ambition keeps colliding with Right to Buy, that grand 1980s experiment in selling off the public good and calling it empowerment. Still, Westminster acts baffled when social housing disappears faster than ministers at a select committee.
So the Greens are taking the fight to Parliament, end Right to Buy, protect communities, and remind Britain that housing is infrastructure, not an investment portfolio. The adults have re-entered the chat, and they brought a bricklayer.
Stroud proves it, when you stop treating homes like NFTs, people live in them.
Fairer, Greener Homes for all, because the future does not need to be built in theory. It can be built in Stroud.
BUILDING A FAIRER, HEALTHIER COUNTRY
(Or, how to stop treating the NHS like a reality show called Survivor, Britain.)
The NHS is in crisis. Not because of fate, pandemics, or moon cycles, but because politicians treated it like a budget line that could be mined for donor cocktails. Eighty years of free care bent under twelve years of outsourcing and a minister who thought “efficiency” meant “let the volunteers have a go”.
The Greens say the obvious bit out loud, keep the NHS public, fund it properly, stop selling bits of it to whoever still owns a fax machine. £8 billion more in year one, rising to £28 billion by 2030, plus £20 billion to rebuild hospitals currently held together with willpower and duct tape. Same-day GP access. Restored junior doctors’ pay. NHS dentistry that is not an urban legend. It reads like utopia because logic took a gap year and the Treasury never saw it return.
Preventative health, early diagnosis, public health funding for addiction, sexual health, and smoking cessation. More for primary care by 2030, restored public health budgets so communities stop dying in spreadsheets. A proper National Commission on drug policy, evidence first, headlines last.
Dentistry, the Great British Bite Crisis. Fund NHS dentistry so patients can actually see one. Pay dentists properly for NHS work.
Mental health and neurodiversity, give parity with physical health, therapies within 28 days, pay trained counsellors to support neurodivergent and SEN children.
Assisted dying, careful safeguards for the terminally ill, dignity does not have to expire before the body.
Ending HIV by 2030, prevention pills via pharmacies, GPs, and A&Es. Science over stigma.
The Greens want a country where health is not a lottery. Everyone else is still selling raffle tickets.
A Fairer, Healthier Country, because the adults have re-entered the chat, and they are done letting ideology play doctor.
CAROLINE LUCAS AND THE NHS REINSTATEMENT BILL
(The MP who left Westminster cleaner than she found it.)
Back when Parliament pretended to read its own bills, Caroline Lucas stood up, rolled up her sleeves, and asked why Britain’s proudest institution was being sold off one ward at a time. While others treated “healthcare reform” as a fundraising pitch, she treated it like an oath.
In 2015, Caroline led the charge for the NHS Reinstatement Bill, a cross-party effort to drag the National Health Service back from marketisation. It was not about slogans or nostalgia. It was about saving a public health system from death by spreadsheet. She united campaigners and health experts and ordinary people who had had enough of profit before patients. A simple idea in a building where logic took a gap year and balance was privatised in 1997.
She stepped down in May 2024 after fourteen years as the UK’s first Green MP, leaving Parliament but not the fight. She remains a force for climate action, social justice, and public health. She does not need a Commons pass to hold power to account.
She may not sit in Parliament, but she is still doing the job half of it forgot exists.
Caroline Lucas, Green, grounded, and still proving politics is supposed to be public service.
CARING WITH FAIRNESS, COMPASSION AND DIGNITY
(Because civilisation is not measured by GDP. It is measured by how we treat people who need help to stand.)
Britain’s care system is held together by goodwill, unpaid labour, and duct tape. Hundreds of thousands wait for reviews. Jobs sit empty. Millions of unpaid carers do the government’s work for free. “Big Society” turned out to mean “you are on your own”.
The Greens do not flinch. Fund care like you mean it. £20 billion to deliver free personal care across England, dignity in old age, independence at home, proper support for disabled people. The personal care element is fully funded, with fair means-testing for accommodation costs. Councils finally get the resources to protect a spouse from losing everything just to afford care.
Rebuild the workforce with better pay and real careers. Add £3 billion for children’s social care. Reconnect social care to health care so the NHS stops collapsing under problems that should have been fixed months earlier by a human who answered a phone. The adults have re-entered the chat, and they are wearing scrubs.
Other parties call this utopian. That is because they cannot imagine a country that values people who cannot afford lobbyists.
Fairness. Compassion. Dignity. Three words that used to describe Britain before it outsourced empathy to the lowest bidder.
CREATING A FAIRER, GREENER ECONOMY
(Or, the radical notion that money should serve people, not the other way round.)
Britain’s economy is a leaky kettle. Rusted, overcharged, managed by the same people who broke it. Privatisation promised competition, delivered chaos. Railways run on vibes. Water companies bottle sewage for export. The Greens prescribe national therapy, not nationalisation by PowerPoint.
A Green Economic Transformation, £40 billion a year to build a clean, fair economy and an actual future. Water, rail, and energy back into public ownership, not out of nostalgia, out of function. Utilities should stop being playgrounds for investors who think “infrastructure” means a second yacht.
A carbon tax that starts serious and gets serious, fund the transition away from fossil fuels. Invest £12.4 billion in skills and training so workers have a place in the new economy.
Tax justice, a wealth tax above £10 million, fair capital gains, no more National Insurance holidays for the one percent. Borrow to invest in a liveable future. Austerity is accounting cosplay. Support small businesses with regional mutual banks and local decarbonisation grants. Grow the real economy from the ground up.
The Greens want an economy that works for people. Everyone else wants people who work for the economy.
A Fairer, Greener Economy, because logic took a gap year, but compassion graduated with honours.
SOUTH OXFORDSHIRE, GREENS GOOD WITH MONEY
(Turns out you can be green and still know how to count.)
In 2019, the Greens took control of South Oxfordshire. Like any good new tenants, they checked the cupboards. The Conservatives had managed to lose millions and still call it “sound fiscal management”.
The Greens did something radical. They looked at the books. They found uncollected business rates, sent the auditors, recovered serious money. Somewhere a councillor called it “anti-growth”.
Balance was not found offshore. It was found in basic competence.
Apparently, being good with money means not losing it. Who knew.
Greens good with money, because fiscal responsibility starts with doing your job.
POWERING UP FAIRER, GREENER ENERGY
(The only party whose energy policy is not powered by nostalgia.)
The climate targets look like a toddler’s bedtime, endlessly delayed, vaguely negotiated, rarely enforced. The Greens want a zero-carbon economy ahead of 2050. Everyone else wants another consultation.
Wind delivering 70% of electricity by 2030. 80 GW offshore. 53 GW onshore. 100 GW solar by 2035. Upgrade the grid, fund storage, let communities own their power so profits circulate locally, not via a yacht-shaped tax haven. Cancel new oil and gas licences. Remove fossil subsidies. Price carbon so polluters pay for the apocalypse.
Nuclear, no thanks. Too slow, too expensive, awkward about waste, and still trying to glow its way into the word “green”.
Local proof points already exist. Tie grants for affordable housing to fossil-free construction. Move council pensions out of oil. Assemble real retrofit programmes. The adults have re-entered the chat, and they brought insulation.
While Westminster debates “realistic timelines”, the Greens keep the lights on.
Fairer, Greener Energy, because when logic took a gap year, the Greens kept the grid running.
MAKING WORK FAIR
(When did having a job stop meaning you could afford to live.)
For over a decade, wages have shrunk faster than government accountability. People who hold the country up are earning less in real terms than they did when flip phones were cutting edge. Ministers call this “fiscal realism”. The rest of us call it theft with HR paperwork.
Repeal anti-union laws. Replace them with a Charter of Workers’ Rights. A 10 to 1 pay ratio so no one at the top earns more in a morning than staff do in a month.
A £15 minimum wage for everyone, with relief for small firms through lower National Insurance. Equal employment rights from day one, including gig workers and zero-hours staff. Companies that break employment, tax, or data law lose their licences. Try accountability.
Yes, a four-day week. Not a novelty, a way to share work, improve life, and stop pretending burnout is a personality trait. The adults have re-entered the chat, and they brought a long weekend.
The Greens want work that sustains people. Everyone else wants people who can survive work.
Making Work Fair, because if a full-time job does not pay the bills, it is not employment. It is endurance.
FAIRER, GREENER SOCIAL SUPPORT
(Ending the national sport of punishing the poor.)
Most of us want a country where everyone has dignity. Westminster keeps mistaking dignity for a luxury item. Children grow up in poverty. Pensioners choose between heating and eating. Disabled people reapply for existence every six months. MPs claim expenses for second homes and call it public service.
Raise Universal Credit and legacy benefits. Abolish the two-child cap. End the bedroom tax, the bureaucratic masterpiece that fines you for having a spare wall.
Reform intrusive disability assessments, restore disability benefits with a meaningful uplift, stop targeting carers as if saving lives were a tax dodge.
Make councils provide free transport for 16 to 18 year olds with SEND. Long term, move to a Universal Basic Income, security as a birthright, not as charity. The adults have re-entered the chat, and they brought receipts and humanity.
While other parties argue about “deserving” versus “undeserving”, the Greens suggest everyone deserves not to starve.
Fairer, Greener Social Support, because poverty is not a moral failing, but indifference is.
BRINGING NATURE BACK TO LIFE
(Even the rivers are sending resignation letters.)
We are part of nature, though Westminster treats both of us like expendable extras. Britain is one of the most nature-depleted countries on Earth, a land of empty fields, poisoned rivers, and politicians posing in hard hats promising “green growth”. The only thing flourishing is the sewage industry.
Pass a Rights of Nature Act so the living world has legal standing, not just a spreadsheet valuation. End the sewage scandal by bringing water companies back into public hands. Create a real Right to Roam in England so everyone can access green space without hiring a trespass lawyer. Protect 30% of land and sea by 2030, properly protected, not rebranded golf courses. Pass a Clean Air Act that gives people the right to breathe without needing a disclaimer. The adults have re-entered the chat, and they are holding a compost bin and a court order.
The Greens want rivers that flow, bees that buzz, and children who can name more birds than brand logos. Everyone else wants a donor with a yacht.
Bringing Nature Back to Life, because logic took a gap year, but the planet does not get one.
To the other political parties.
I am sick of this. I am sick of politicians who confuse cruelty with competence, who turn poverty into performance art, who call austerity “maturity” because they mistake numbness for wisdom. I am sick of the think-tank class, those empathy economists who can tell you the price of a child’s lunch but not the cost of shame. I am sick of watching public services auctioned off to the highest donor while the rest of us hold raffles for survival.
I am sick of balance sheets that worship the deficit but ignore the despair. Of headlines that treat compassion as a budget risk. Of ministers who call nurses “angels” and then send them to food banks like celestial interns.
We live in a country where logic took a gap year, balance was privatised in 1997, and hope has been subcontracted to local volunteers. The Greens are not perfect, but at least they remember what a government is for. They build homes, not hedge funds. They plant trees instead of excuses. They talk about justice without needing a focus group to define it. That should not be radical, that should be normal.
Stop selling dignity by the pound. Stop pricing decency like it’s a luxury import. Stop pretending the planet will wait while you count donor cheques.
Willy & Bill
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Disclaimer: Based on real events, presented through satire. No allegation of illegality is made. Public record facts are blended with satirical commentary for humour and critique. Full legal here.
Sounds like heaven. Now, if you’ll excuse me for a moment, I’m off to join the Green Party 😊
Green WMD anyone?