You agree to the terms of service below, and the Terms of Use for Substack, the technology provider.
Yes, here is the complete legal disclaimer, including the new section on adult content.
Legal Disclaimer
Satire, not straight news
Satirical Planet News is a satire publication. We take real events, cite real sources, and then boot them up the arse with jokes. When a piece mixes fact and satire, we tell you: “Based on real events, presented through satire.” When it is pure invention, we tell you: “This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to real events is coincidental, except where cited.” Facts first, piss taking second.
Who we target
We punch up. Always. Governments, corporations, political parties, media outlets, and public figures are fair game. Private citizens and vulnerable groups are not. Systems first, prats second. Example: “Policy turns rivers into soup. Minister X keeps stirring.”
Defamation and fair comment
We do not invent crimes or scandals. We use facts already on the record from outlets like the Guardian, BBC, Parliament, and court filings. Opinions are clearly opinions. Swearing, insults and ridicule are commentary, not fact. UK, US and EU law protect satire. Calling a politician a bellend is commentary, not libel.
Adult content & language
Our content is intended for a mature audience and may contain strong language, profanity, and adult humor. We do not produce or distribute obscene or pornographic material. Our use of adult themes is for the purpose of satirical commentary, which is a protected form of expression. We take care to ensure that our humor does not target individuals based on protected characteristics like race, gender, or sexual orientation. However, our work may be offensive, shocking, or disturbing to some, which is an inherent feature of satire.
Corrections
If we get something wrong: We fix it quickly. We keep a visible note of the change. We do not bury or delete.
Data and Privacy
This section outlines how we handle your personal information. Our commitment is to collect only the minimum amount of data necessary to deliver our service and to be transparent about how we use it.
What we collect: We collect your email address when you subscribe to our newsletter. We may also collect standard, non-personal data (such as IP addresses, browser type) in log files for security and trend analysis. This information is not linked to any personally identifiable data.
Why we collect it: Your email address is collected for the sole purpose of sending you our newsletters and updates.
How we use it: We use your information only for the stated purpose of providing you with our content. We do not share, sell, rent, or trade your email address with any third parties for their marketing purposes. We do not whisper it to shadowy bastards in lanyards.
Your rights: You have the right to unsubscribe at any time. A clear "unsubscribe" link is provided in every email. If you unsubscribe, we stop emailing you, and we keep only a minimal record to ensure we don't accidentally add you back to the list. Under data privacy laws like GDPR, you also have the right to request access to the information we hold about you and to have it corrected or deleted.
Data security: We use appropriate technological and operational security measures to protect your information against unauthorized access or unlawful use.
Third-party services: We rely on services like Substack for our newsletter platform, which will process your email address to send our communications. These services are essential for our operations, and by using them, you acknowledge that your email address is processed through their secure systems.
Copyright and fair use
We use snippets of articles, documents and media under fair dealing and fair use for criticism, parody and review. We cite sources wherever possible and give full credit. We recognize that our use of copyrighted material is for transformative purposes, such as commentary and criticism.
Liability
We provide satire and analysis. Nothing here is financial advice, medical advice, or legal advice. If you try to run a government based on one of our punchlines, you deserve the diarrhoea theme park you build.
Jurisdiction
This site is published in the UK. UK law applies. If you are in the US or EU, local protections for satire and fair comment apply too.
Community standards
Comments are the responsibility of the poster. We moderate to stop slurs, spam and bellends shouting into the void.
Contact
If you spot an error, email us at satiricalplanet@substack.com. We will check it, fix it if needed, and note the change.
Commercial disclosure
Subscriptions support our research and fact checking. We do not do sponsored posts, advertorials, or corporate back scratching.
Accessibility
We write in plain English. If something is not clear, it is either satire or a cock up. If it is satire, laugh. If it is a cock up, we fix it.
The short version
Receipts first. Jokes second. Always punching up.
Willy & Bill